Reading Product Labels – Their Epic Stories

Bored, I’ll sometimes catch myself reading the back of a lotion bottle or toothpaste tube in near proximity while using the john. At other times it may be the side of a popcorn bag during a stupid commercial. Or maybe the back of a cereal box during a midnight snack. This is all normal behavior. I’m just willing to admit to it.

Through these various and random readings of product descriptions I have learned that the fine print in the world can be quite entertaining. There’s so much competition between brands now a days that companies will stop at nothing to draw you in. Usually overly-charming, emotional, and dramatized, It’s no longer informative but a group of blatant and ridiculous lies! Every product on the shelf brags about the rare ingredients, the way it was made, or how amazing it smells. Now things have gone too far. they attach a long and twisted story that can leave you scared or confused. Sometimes it leaves you no choice but to purchase the product. Watch out- they’ll gitcha.

Take your every-day bottle of water. A few years ago you might read: Aquafina, “bottled at the source”. You would then nod your head to rationalize your own decision to buy water, and then go about your day.

Now they’ve snuck in a small 4-paragraph science-fiction novel to tell their story. I’m paraphrasing slightly here but have you ever read something like this?

“Millions of years ago, beneath a vast and ancient Mayan rain forest, water from the heavens trickled through hundreds of layers of volcanic rock. These historic slabs of crumbled minerals open into a forbidden pool of holy water. It is from this naturally filtered underground chamber of the world’s most extraordinary liquid that we draw up artisan chambers of 5% recycled bottles. They are sealed and un-touched by human hands and even the air of the 21st century until, through the state-of-the-art delivery system you now hold in your hands, it touches trembling lips for the most thirst-quenching moment of your entire existence.”

Ohhh, noooww I get it. Holy crap! I almost passed up the chance to drink from the pool of artesian aquifer! Knowing all this I really can’t believe it’s only $3.50. People with their “normal water”. How embarrassing that must be.

(If I had read a couple more lines down I would have seen the even finer print: “bottled from a well in Ontario, California”.

Here’s a visual example to prove the point:
The Aquifer

So, the next time you’re bored or making a gut-wrenching decision between which bottle of water to buy, take a few minutes to read the label.


2 thoughts on “Reading Product Labels – Their Epic Stories

  1. Very true and also funny! To go a step further, don’t buy bottled water, right? There’s a commercial out there that gives the stats of how many times we can wrap a string of bottled water around the Earth x times, scary stuff.

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