A Deadly Human Noise

A psychiatrist (or marriage counselor) might sit down with a couple to discuss their tifs and annoyances with each other. Their lack of communication, their struggles with things here and there. I can imagine they have seen it all too… sex, kids, money, peanut butter, etc. But I’ve got something to add to this official list…

Out of embarrassment, perhaps shame or fear of a tenured doctor pointing and laughing in my face, I have been reluctant to take this specific problem to a psychiatrist. I think I’m long past due. It involves my wife and a blood-curdling noise, one truly unimaginable, that she is able to produce on command. A sound that could kill a man. I’m dead serious (no pun intended).

So what the hell am I talking about you ask?

It’s almost impossible to describe in writing. Imagine someone taking in a really deep breath and closing their lips so tightly as to hold in the air with all their might. Then, like an air raid siren or screech owl amplified by a bull-horn in your ear, releasing the gigantic breath in an absolutely ear-piercing, high pitched “BEOWWWW!!!” with such velocity and abruptness that your mind and body convulses into shock as if you got electrocuted as a prank from an emergency defibrillator – suddenly coursing 1000 volts of electricity through your body. But instead of creating a beat it does the opposite- for truly 5 or more seconds, stops the beating of a living mans heart. Until your mind can catch up after being scrambled. Until the shot of adrenaline ceases.

Melissa finds great delight in using this noise in various situations: as punishment for me picking my nose, for not wiping down the toilet seat, for leaving hair in the sink. As a way to give elderly people a stroke, to create disorder in public malls and parking lots, or to stun awake a hung over friend in a deep coma from the night before. For me the accounts are much worse.

For example, as I’m driving a car 45 mph down a road Melissa will shout “look over there!” (pointing to something out a window). As I turn (already startled) to look, she will suddenly BEOWWWW!!! (me: AHHH OH MY GOOODDD!!!!) and then laugh wildly. Never mind we nearly stuck a man in a wheel chair or veered into oncoming traffic.

There are a handful of our family and friends who have experienced this noise first hand. They will sit and read this post with chilling memories of a past experience – shaking their hands in disbelief, nay, in anger that they fell victim to such an unnatural and evil experience inflicted from one human unto another.

So am I crazy? Would a psychiatrist even understand the problem here? Perhaps this is a normal married life we lead and I am contrasting it to an imaginary world of normal behavior that doesn’t even exist.


As a disclaimer to my wife: She is beautiful, wise, and has so many wonderful expressive habits. These stories were exaggerated (but not really) for humor’s sake. I love her quirky and fun personality and wouldn’t trade it for the world! (and that’s not an exaggeration) 🙂


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