Unbelievable Ketchup Addiction

I have a close friend who has been told by physicians and those that love him to slow his ketchup intake.  Like a cowboy and cigarettes, or a mother of young children and a large bottle of wine, he’s severely addicted.

Ketchup is great on fries and burgers, but with my friend? He explained to me today that “…no meat on God’s green earth has escaped the red saucy bath before entering my mouth.” This would include a medium rare steak from Ruth’s Chris. I’m not even kidding.

If that’s not troubling enough, here is a list he provided me of other odd-ball foods he turns red:

  • ·         Burritos
  • ·         Hot Sushi
  • ·         Pasta and Meatballs
  • ·         Chinese Food
  • ·         Pad Thai
  • ·         Salmon
  • ·         Rice
  • ·         Sweet Onion Chicken Teriyaki Sandwiches from Subway

He estimates that in his ketchup prime, consuming up to 36 fluid ounces per week was average. As a result of the outrageous sodium and vinegar intake, his blood pressure was through the roof. Ironically, he tells me, another ingredient called Lycopene (which sounds made up) is carried through the blood and stored within your liver and testicles. For these two lucky organs, it is believed to lower the risk for cancer. Ketchup stored in your testicle. That’s all I got from that.

Sit across the dinner table from my friend and you will witness an onslaught of ketchup usage. For those bold enough to question his habit, you have poked a snake hole. A bitter and angry man boils over in self-defense. He sends daggers with his troubled stare, slams his fists down in fits of furry, all the while, dumping piles of his favorite condiment over a plate of once delicious Fettuccini Alfredo.

My friend says he’s better now. I hope so.

Regardless of which step he’s on in his recovery program, today I lift up my gallon tub of ketchup from Costco to salute my friend’s distinct culinary pallet. Cheers to Ketchup.

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